Today, while listening to the reading below, I had an epiphany. I finally realized that I have been using my emotions as a “sixth sense” to interpret and evaluate the world around me. Notice I did not say “engage”. I do not necessarily read the people and circumstances in my environment in order to engage with them but in order to get a sense of how they feel or what they think about me.
This appears to be directly related to my sensitive nature. I have always been plagued by a sense of guilt and shame from nothing of my own doing. I just pick up that energy. I was also plagued with negative thoughts, which now that I think about it, had negative emotions attached to them. This created a dark “cloud” under which I lived on a daily basis.
I was a very spiritual and wonder-filled child and can remember constantly “checking in” with my inner self, especially since I was an Introvert. My way of “checking in” was to take a reading of my emotions. In fact, whenever I would try to hear from my Spirit, it would always include an emotional inventory.
This reading revealed how much I depend on my emotions for interpreting and evaluating my world and myself. Given my negative orientation, it is no wonder that my life had become depressive, oppressive and stuck. I became aware that I had developed a second “brain” by using my emotions in this fashion, which I imagined had created a “deformity” in my psyche and had thrown my life out of balance. In effect, I was getting a new glimpse of the “Me” my Ego had created by abusing my emotional sensitivity and using it as a sort of radar or “antenna” to “intuit” the world around me.
This was a defensive strategy since I had come to believe early on that the world was a treacherous place and one had to be wary of those around him. While my ADD kept me from being “aware” of hard data, my emotional orientation kept me protected from the constant rejection and judgment of my peers, which actually set me up for more rejection and judgment.
I had always known that I had a powerful imagination but I had never realized how much my imagination drew from my emotions. I now understood why I had such difficulty hearing the voice of my Intuition. It was not blocked by the thoughts of my mind as I had assumed but by my emotions, which I had also confused with my Intuition.
The strange part of this revelation is that in relationships, where emotional vulnerability is a good thing, I am emotionally detached. It is as if I use my emotions as an extra sense but do not allow them to perform the function for which they were actually intended. My Ego had set up a protection from deep emotional wounding, although I desperately craved emotional connection and even fantasized about it. The relationships in which I engaged, however, were emotionally distant.
While I could reach out and read the emotions of others on a deep level, my own feelings were shielded. I could even make it look like I was emotionally vulnerable but never reveal my true, inner feelings. Everything came under scrutiny, every thought, every action. The mask had to remain intact. It was my protection from humiliation, shame and rejection even though inside I felt shame, humiliation and rejection. I was bound, restricted dark and afraid to reveal my true self.
Today I know that I have hidden my authentic self. However, I was unaware of the role my emotions played in that deception. I now release my emotions to fulfill their original purpose and allow myself to feel rather than to “probe” my environment and those around me. Taking a deep breath…